I choose to be happy.
I am going to Germany in less that a month. For some reason I'm more scared to do this than I ever was to go to India. But I'm going. People keep asking me when they find out I'm scared, "Do you really have to go?" Of course I don't have to go. I don't have to do anything I don't want to. But I am going. I made a commitment, signed a contract. And Why the heck should I NOT do something simply because it frightens me?
"A life lived in Fear is a life half lived" -Strictly Ballroom-
I don't want to live a half lived life. I am not settling for mediocre. I want to live a life of excellence. And in the past few months I've learned what that entails. For one: Last night I was lying in bed, in anticipation of my last two finals I took this morning. I knew I would bomb them and it was in result of how uncommitted to my schooling I'd been this semester. I threw away my semester. I do this pretty much every semester. I will not commit to doing anymore schooling until I am willing to finish. I will not commit to do something I am not willing to see to the finish.
People keep asking why I'm going to Germany. Of course I tell them, I'm nannying, etc. But the truth is: I've always wanted to live in Germany. I just found a way. I look at my brother Russell, who I love and adore and love the life he has lead, studying in Italy, studying in New York, studying in California, being totally awesome. And I want those experiences, but I want them uniquely for me. I don't know what I want to do in a year when I get back from Germany, I have no clue. But that doesn't matter. I know where I'll be in a month. I know where I am now.
I recently read an old friend's blog and she had an entry about the things she's accomplished in the last 5 years. As I read her extraordinary and seemingly overachieving, but completely sincere resume of life experiences, I began to fill my heart sink. Maybe my life was completely mediocre. I could go on to explain how I comforted myself and the reasons I gave myself to make me feel better, but I came to this conclusion: who cares? You've always known you are completely the opposite kind of person she is, and all you need to worry about is fullfilling the things YOU want to do.
And I have
I've already knocked things off my 1o1 things to do before I die:
1-Volunteered in India
2-Seen a Broadway play in NYC
3-Seen the Taj Mahal
5-Tandem biked on the beach
6-Eaten dinner on a beach
7-Gotten my own puppy
8-Performed in Ragtime
9-Played the Tambourine and sang in a band
10-Seen Sutton Foster Perform live
12-Ride a horse in a dress
13-Attend the Olympics
Sure I have a while to go, but I'm getting there, and it will be amazing how many I get knocked off living in Europe. I've learned that you just have to take one thing at a time, or two or three, and work until you knock them off your list.
I won't live my life in fear. I'm not going to stop myself from doing something because it seems looming or intimidating or scary. It's not fair to myself.