Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The light at the end of the tunnel?

So last night, not phyically or verbally, but emotionally I said goodbye to something. This something that has consumed every aspect of my life and I haven't been able to move on. And although the emotional goodbye last night didn't feel anything like I expected it to, I still did it. And I know it. I chose last night that after finishing filming, I didn't have much reason to stay attached to this person and have him in my life. And after a year of having that person be the most important person in your life, that's a hard choice to make, but when it becomes detremental and excruciating to you, you have to stop consuming the poison in order to get healthy again.
I think something that helped me come to this place was that in the past week or so, I found something in my life, a goal. And it made me so excited for the last couple of days. It was like finally seeing some light after being in the dark for so long. I see the end of that tunnel. I see something to walk towards instead of fumbling around in the dark hoping I don't get hurt. And although, at this moment, i feel a little down for the fact I did decide to say goodbye to this person, especially since after last night watching this person, I saw taht he has already moved on and found someone to fill the space in his life I occupied for so long. He is no longer my responsibility. I am my own responsibility.
So this morning I opened my scriptures and read 2 chapters. I haven't done that in longer than you can believe. I didn't have a spiritual revelation, I didn't have some huge experience. But I opened my scriptures, I did what I was supposed to be doing. I'm looking at jobs. I sewed an amazing costume. And I want to go home and do it some more!!!
The pain isn't gone yet. I don't know if the pain will be so much as gone, but that other things will be in my life so the pain isn't constantly there. And although I've been in the darkest place in my lfie, and I'm not out of it yet, I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, and although it's small, it's still bright, and I'm just going to walk towards it, no matter what stumbling it takes or what pain i have to go through to get there. I know it isn't going to get easy from here, but I have some direction.
I have so many things in my life that help me keep walking. They help me keep moving and although those things weren't really visible in the dark, I can see them again, and they are so inspiring, they're beautiful.
I have an amazing mother who loves and supports me no matter what I do. She loves me so much an gives me so much. So does my father. I have been doing so many costumes lately, and it makes me so happy. I love it. I love costumes and I love to design them. They make me so happy. And you know what? I'm good at it! I AM. And I need to stop selling myself short with my costuming skills and allow myself to grow in that area. There's my puppy, Coco. I love her so much, and cuddling her and playing with her and watching her sleep and chase tennis balls makes me so happy. It is euphoric to have a puppy that loves you so much. And she does.
I have so many people who inspire me, I have my best friend Kristi who is dedicated and loving and so concerned about her friends. She has goals and she goes after them, no matter how scared she may be. My niece Courtney is beautiful (that's the understatement of the year. Courtney is stunningly beautiful. I told my mom the other day it was a shame my sister Jacki didn't have more children, because her girls are beautiful.) She is talented in everything she does. She has the most beautiful spirit and glowing smile. She is kind and patient and full of love and service to those around her. Actually to everyone, not just those around her. I look at her (and all my neices and nephews) and I can't imagine having children, because I can't imagine loving anything more than I love these children. But Courtney embodies what I wish I could be so much.
Lastly is my brother Russell. I have told many people so many times that my brother russell is my favorite person in the whole wide world and I mean it. He lives in NYC and I miss him like crazy. And yet talking on the phone with him, getting emails from him, anything, makes me so happy. In my dark tunnel of a year, Russ has been one of those fleeting moments of light and warmth, like lighting a match, or using a temporary flashlight. No one in the world makes me laugh like Russell, and he is so wise and together, I just see him as one of the greatest people in my life. He's never sat and given me astounding words a wisdom or talked me through the past year, but he makes me happy to be around and he's light, and he listens when I need him to, and he is just the best brother anyone could ever have.
So there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. We just gotta keep looking till we find it. It doesn't make everything brighter, and it doesn't totally take away the darkness and the pain, but it atleast gives you a direction until you can get out of the darkness. And I'm on my way there.

1 comment:

Courtney_Carolann said...

ooo.. mandee i love you so much and miss you!!
i'm so glad i am there 4 u even tho idk what i'm doing! ha ha :D
but if anyones inspiring someone it'd be you inspiring me!!
i love you so much!!
stay stong!! i love you!