Tuesday, July 1, 2008

One Year Later....

Today It has been one year since I arrived in India. I think. And that's what it says in my journal, that I had no idea what day or time it was. spending a day and a half on airplanes will do that to you.

But i look back on the past year. I feel like INdia was a huge push in the direction I was supposed to go, and I have no idea what that was. I find myself in the same place i was before I decided to go to India, not knowing what to do with my life. Not knowing where to go or what to do. also, I find myself scared to try anything. India seemed so...not real, I think that's why it was easy to choose to do it. I think about going back now, and it scares me more than the first time I went.

This last year, I've dealt with some of the hardest things I've ever had to, (not all of it, but some of them) but I've also had some of the greatest experiences. And I look at the week I got home from India, and everything from then has been an avalanche of what I've had to come to deal with to this point. People I've met, things I've tried, choices I've made, Things people have told me, choices my friends have made. etc. They all have dominoed since I got back. My mom said to me, "Wow, I bet you wish you could go back and rewind and do this year over again, don't you?" but I have to be honest, while that would be very tempting and I could spare myself from A LOT of pain and stress and emotion and bla bla bla, i most certainly would NOT rewind and do over.

I don't know what good things are going to come out of this or what life long lessons I've learned in the past year, but I wouldn't give up the good moments just so I could give up the painful ones. And I had to have the painful ones to get the good ones.

Anyway, I've been home from India, And although I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere, I have had a lot of great things. I got to be in Ragtime, I got paid to Costume Design, My three best friends and I have even better relationships, but all three of those relationships had to go through some pain to get where they are. My sister lives closer to us and I get to see her on a regular basis. I got to go to NYC.

I truly am blessed through my tribulations. And they haven't stopped. I still get the tribulations, and I still feel stuck in my life and I have no idea where to go or what to do or if I should move to Provo or Chicago or California or if I should dye my hair red or if I should sale my car or get a new job. I just know that I wouldn't rewind the last year.

And India was amazing. That's definitely one thing I would never redo.

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